Another Opening, Another oh (derogatory.)
The Opening is about to Ceremony: Here's a brief look at summer olympics of the bad past.
The Olympics are almost here, which for me means another Olympic Opening Ceremony. But this isn’t just a celebration of the best of humanity, it’s also an opportunity for failure on an historic level. While I am excited about the games, I have a timeshare in misery, so here’s a small taste of the worst of the worst in the Summer Olympic Opening Ceremonies (believe me there’s enough for a separate winter list in two years.)
For context, I’m going by segment here, Since there are so many nuances to each individual opening ceremony. “Segment?” I hear you ask. Yes! You see the governing board of the modern Olympiad, the IOC, is like if a council of bond villains wanted to make Coke-a-Cole ads instead of space lasers. They are corrupt and very particular about what their operation does. So, the dicta comes down that every opening ceremony must have regular segments. Some are great (more on that later) some are terrible:
“Doves of Peace”
Late in the program of the Opening Ceremony there will be a segment that is called “Doves of Peace.” If you’re thinking to yourself, “gosh that seems to play pretty heavy on Eurocentric, Christian imagery for a supposedly global event,” you’re starting to get the picture on why the IOC’s limitations suck. Of course, it’s coming from good intentions: Doves of Peace was introduced in the first games after World War I, the 1916 games were slated for Germany (more on that irony later.) This segment from 1920 to 1988 called for releasing live doves* into the air, but after too many incidents it is not a more interpretive segment.
Incidents you say? Why yes! Like any live events there have been moments where the plans did not execute. I present to you a podium of such moments:
Bronze Medal: Bjork doesn’t fly - Athens 2004
While this one doesn’t involve any live doves, it does involve a bird that did not get her wings. Bjork was planned to sign and fly above the assembled athletes in a billowing dress. She didn’t rise the audience is a little confused.
Silver Medal: Roasted Dove - Seoul 1988
Seoul is a really cool ceremony. They had a LOT to be proud of… however, this is the last games that live doves* were released. Because, when the doves were released in the stadium, many followed their instinct to roost in a tall sheltered structure in their view… this structure was the cauldron. Later, when the cauldron was lit, it um roasted at least 7 birds, the birds that are meant to symbolize peace, remember? It’s bleak, but like… the number rule of show business is don’t use your own money, and the number two rule is don’t use like animals. I’m not including a video, cause it’s real cringy.
Gold Medal: 7000 Doves - London 1948
I know you’re wondering what could possibly outshine the disaster I just described. Let me introduce you to a London 1948 Olympics, the “austerity olympics.” Eagle eyed history buffs will clock the closeness of this date to the end of WWII. Indeed the city, still in rumble from the blitz, had the olympics without much of the pomp that one would expect. In fact the Dove* releasing was the only spectacle aside from the King’s Speech (yes That King, but long after THAT speech.)
They gathered 7000 birds (a mixture of doves* and pigeons*) to release in mass. Only of the 7000 doves that were collected, about 3000 of them were dead by the time of the realeasing. And many athletes wished they had newspaper to block the droppings from the birds overhead. So yeah, by scale alone, the Gold Medal in disaster in Doves of Peace goes to London 1948.
*Doves - A word on these white symbols
So yeah I’ve been saying doves cause that’s what these birds are called, specifically here in this Olympics - an event laden with symbolism. The white dover symbolizes peace, and innocence for much of the European influenced world. Think about how you feel about dove, versus, I don’t know a pigeon.
WEEWOOO WEEEWOO - I got you! You’re going to bird jail for sky racism. >:(
That’s right, many of the white, peaceful, holy birds you think of as “doves” are just “rock pigeons” that have been bred to be all white. Yeah rock pigeon, the real name for the bird in feral flocks that live in cities the world over. There are a lot of birds in the Columbidae family that doves/pigeon belong to, and the terms are used interchangeably/overlappingly. It’s just imprecise to call a small white bird a dove, just cause it’s white, and you can’t just ask a pigeon why it’s white!
My final word on the topic is that calls for peace during global events are important, but this symbol is narrow and not specific to each host nation. Allowing flexibility like with RIO -2016 using the peace and tree as symbols for peace and environmental consciousness can make this segment feel less preachy, especially when a country like russia will do doves of peace in February 2014 and then invade Ukraine weeks later.
Total Skip: The Speeches
The only thing worse than ill thought out or meaningly displays for peace, are ill-thought out and meaningless words for peace. There are many speeches from the IOC President and the head of host delegation. These are often pretty dull and full of welcomes and praises that any mayor would say about their city. In a world gripped with really REALLY important conversations right now, I’m just not interested in what the president of the organization that gifts and cheats and scams their way to hosting global events has to say.
But even with the worst of modern day hyprocracy in mind, there is so much worse in the historical cannon.
Truly the worst of the worst
Lead Medal: London 1948 “Austerity Olympics”
I’ve already mentioned it but this ceremony was truly just the athletes gathering, a speech, dead birds, and then going home. Even local newspapers were like “not much to see here.” I give this the lead medal because there are understandable circumstances here.
Arsenic Medal: St. Louis 1904 “The No-Ceremony Ceremony”
The only thing worse than a bad ceremony is no ceremony. St. Louis really had no excuse here because it was part of World Fair. There was already so much stuff assembled to make a good show. In any case I give this the arsenic medal, second worst ever.
The Uranium 235 Medal: Berlin 1936 “The one with all the Nazis”
Yup. Nazi Germany hosted in 1936. Hitler was there and everything. Yeah Jesse Owens, the son of American sharecroppers, would go on to win 4 gold medals and rubbing Black Excellence in Nazi faces, but this ceremony didn’t have any of that. The only thing worse than bad, or nonexistent ceremony is one where Nazis are comfortable being there. As an interesting bit of trivia, The 1940 and 1944 Olympics were scheduled to be held in Japan and Italy respectively. Obviously those didn’t happen.
Will we see any failure in Paris?
There is a strong potential that we will! Between the events being held amid iconic Persian sights, and the opening ceremonies being a giant flotilla along the River Seine, things could get all KINDS of messy Friday. Fingers crossed there aren’t any Nazis, or signs of the rising wave of right wing politics in Europe. But either way I’ll wait with whatever the French analog is for popcorn… cigarettes?